Single Mother by Choice: Everything You Need to Know

In this guide, we aim to answer as many as possible about having a child alone, providing you with a comprehensive guide to help you think through any concerns or questions you have. This includes pros and cons, decisions to make, common concerns, benefits, conception routes, practical planning, and how to talk about donor conception, so you can assess whether being a single parent fits your circumstances.

• Considerations before choosing to become a single mother
• Pros and cons of being a single mother
• Single mother statistics - solo motherhood in numbers
• Worried about single mother by choice regrets?
• How to become a single mother by choice?
• Emotional and practical aspects of being a single mother
• Financial concerns about single motherhood
• Being pregnant as a single mother
• Parenting as a single mother by choice
• How do you tell people that you are a solo mother?
• How to talk to your child about donor conception
• What is the difference between a single mother and a single mother by choice?

The journey to becoming a single mum involves a lot of searching questions and careful consideration. Some mums struggle to know whether they’re ready to be a single mother. Thinking about these key considerations may help you come to a decision.

Are you willing to prioritise your child’s needs over your own? 

As a parent, your needs are often secondary to your child’s. Being a solo mum doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything - many single mums maintain rewarding careers and some even work two jobs - but it does require you to put your child first.

Do you have a support network? 

In the absence of a partner, the single mum support network comes to the fore. Support networks can be made up of family members, friends or a combination of both. Support from other solo mums with firsthand experience of single parenthood is also valuable. Having helped more than 9,000 solo mums become parents, we can help connect you with mums who know exactly what you’re going through.

Solo motherhood has its arguments for and against. Many of the pros and cons are two sides of the same coin. Some points can feel positive or negative depending on your circumstances. For instance, the flip side of taking control and deciding family matters on your own is the added stress of being solely responsible for those decisions. Which side of the fence you fall on is a matter of perspective.

If you want to learn more about the advantages and disadvantages of being a single mother, here is a full guide about the pros and cons that expands on each of the points listed above.

• Over 2.7 million UK families are headed by a single mother. 
• Just under 24% of UK families with children living at home are headed by a single parent. That’s almost one in four families.
• 29% of all Danish families are headed by a single parent. 
• 34% of all Swedish families are headed by a single parent.
• Single parents account for 12.7% of households with children in the EU.
• Around 38% of European Sperm Bank’s UK customers are single women. The average age among them is 39 years old.

Learn more about how many single mothers there are in the UK.

Why do women become solo mums?

Women become solo single mothers for various reasons including personal desire, timing, and life circumstances, with “wanting to be a mother” commonly reported as the main reason. In a study from 2022, 19 British single mothers by choice were interviewed about their motivations, and these were their answers:

• I wanted to be a mother - 42% 
• I was getting older/time was running out - 21% 
• Timing felt right - 11% 
• All my friends were having children - 5%
• Other - 21%  

Studies show that solo mums by choice tend to be well-educated and in professional occupations (Golombok et al.). As such, it’s not unusual for single mothers by choice to balance childcare and their career. 

As with any big decision in life, some people will always regret their choice, and that includes single mums by choice. However, most single mothers by choice tell us they don’t regret their decision at all, and that taking control and consciously choosing parenthood was empowering and the right thing for them. 

That’s not to say that solo mums love every moment. And that’s ok. Even when you don’t regret your decision, solo parenthood is full of ups and downs. There are always highs and lows, and the lows can be challenging. Talk to any single mother by choice, and they’re likely to tell you about the psychological effects of being a single mother – that it can be lonely, stressful and exhausting at times. But they will also likely tell you about the moments that make it all worth it - the joys of seeing your child grow, the deep bond and the overwhelming pride.

All solo mums need a support network, and finding and building your “village” is the best way to relieve the pressure and avoid regrets. Family and friends can play a vital role, but single mum groups are incredibly important, too. Talking to other mums who know what you’re going through and who can offer help and guidance ensures you’re not alone on your journey.

To become a single mother by choice involves choosing the path to conception and plan treatment with a fertility clinic. In this process, you must usually:

1. Book a fertility consultation to review your medical history, tests, and treatment options.
2. Choose a type of fertility treatment, most commonly IUI (intrauterine insemination) or IVF (in vitro fertilisation).
3. Select a donor sperm and confirm whether you want an identifiable donor under UK rules.
4. Undergo treatment with monitoring and any recommended medication.
5. Review outcomes after each cycle and adjust the plan with your clinician.

Using IUI and IVF to become a solo mum

IUI is a treatment whereby sperm are placed directly into the uterus around the time eggs are released for fertilisation. IVF involves collecting eggs from the mother and inseminating them under laboratory conditions. The embryo is then transferred to the mother’s womb to develop further. Both treatments involve insemination using donor sperm.

Many solo mums start with IUI because it is less invasive though it varies from person to person. If this is not successful after several cycles, they may try IVF. In some cases, solo mums may go straight to IVF. This is more common among women who are over the age of 35, as IUI success rates are lower in this demographic. Essentially, the order of treatment depends on the country, clinic, your needs and many other factors.

Cost of IUI and IVF using donor sperm

The cost of IUI and IVF is also a consideration. In the UK, a single cycle of IUI treatment costs anywhere between £700 and £3,000, depending on the tests, monitoring and stimulation medications required. IVF is approximately four times more expensive than IUI.

Learn more about using a sperm donor to become a single mother by choice.

Being a single mum can bring mixed emotions and is rarely a linear emotional experience. For most women, solo parenting often brings a feeling of empowerment by making a deliberate choice, and at the same time many experience anxiety about money, time, and coping alone.These feelings are all valid and part of the journey.

You may feel empowered by your decision to start a family on your own terms, especially in a world where traditional norms still dominate the narrative. At the same time, moments of anxiety may creep in. Will I make it on my own? Will I be able to give my child everything it needs? These are natural questions, not signs of weakness.

Confidence often grows with time and small daily wins. But even then, loneliness and sometimes grief can show up uninvited. Grief not for the child, who is deeply wanted, but for the life some solo mums once imagined with a co-parent. 

These emotional highs and lows are not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. They are simply the rhythm of being a single mum. And learning to ride those waves is part of what makes solo parenting a powerful and transformative experience. Practical support reduces emotional strain, and by building a reliable “village” using family, friends, and solo mum communities can make a big difference.

Financial concerns are common as single mothers by choice will typically raise a child on a single income. In some cases, people spend years saving to create a financial foundation before having children. 

From our experience, fulfilling the dream of becoming a parent is far superior to the financial concerns because there are several ways to live a financially responsible life. There are several ways to keep expenses low while having a child for instance by buying second-hand equipment or clothes as these are usually perfectly fine.

Furthermore, solo mums may be able to claim benefits for financial aid. In the UK, this includes:

• Universal Credit: available to UK residents over the age of 16, with less than £16,000 in savings.
• Child Benefit: an income-dependent benefit available to UK residents responsible for a child under the age of 16.
• Council tax reduction: some councils offer council tax relief for single parents.
• Financial support for childcare: depending on your occupation and your child’s age, you may be eligible to have up to 85% of your childcare costs covered.

Learn more about single parent benefits in the UK.

If you are concerned about economic insecurity while being a single parent, the following practical advice may help:

• Begin budgeting and monitoring: track your current income and expenditure and look for areas where you can make savings. Taking these and the benefits you’ll receive into account can help you better understand finances as a single mum.
• Build a small emergency fund: start putting aside a small amount every month for an emergency fund. It will give you a financial buffer and may help build confidence and control.

Get advice: you can seek advice and support from Citizens Advice, your local council and solo mums groups. Don’t be afraid to look or ask for help.

Being pregnant as a single mother involves its own set of challenges. Some women love the experience, while others report feeling lonely in pregnancy. This often happens because single mum support networks are not yet in place, or single mums are hesitant to call on them before the child is born.

In reality, single mums need a lot of help during pregnancy and should look to use their support networks as much as they need them. Sometimes, online forums will help ease your mind or answer a question. On other occasions, you may want to reach out to dedicated support groups for single mums. At European Sperm Bank, we understand the need for community during pregnancy and have developed the SMBC App to help you connect with other single mums.

Solo parenthood isn’t easy, but there are some things you can do to make it easier.

Baby-proof your life as a single mother by choice

Becoming a parent is both one of the most incredible and most overwhelming experiences you’ll ever go through. So think about how you can organise yourself to make everyday life with a child as easy as possible.

That might mean moving closer to your family and friends, so you have your network nearby. Or perhaps finding a job with a better work-life balance. Make sure you review your financial situation and create a budget. And while you’re at it, consider leaving room in your budget for more than just baby stuff. With extra money to spare, you might be able to afford a regular nanny. Or you can order take-out for the umpteenth time. Whatever gets you by when you’ve had 3 hours of sleep.

Find someone to share the small moments with

Becoming a single parent, you’ll realise the smallest things mean a lot. Whether they’re moments of joy or concern, you’re going to be thinking about the small things a lot. With this in mind, make sure you have a reliable network to share them with.

Parenting involves many small changes and milestones, and soon you will be the one cooing over your baby’s newfound ability to do something new? Soon, you will be the one spending hours talking about toilet routines and feeding rituals.

If family or friends aren’t close by, engage with online single mother by choice communities. Speak openly to the special people around you about wanting them to be close to your child’s life. It means the world to have someone who takes an active interest and to whom no moment or concern is too small.

Don’t ignore the difficult stuff

Of course you don’t want to think about what will happen to your child if you pass away. It’s an uncomfortable question, and it’s not necessarily at the forefront of your mind when you’re thinking about becoming a single mum. Planning for serious illness or death is uncomfortable, but it is important, nonetheless.

Laws and court processes vary by country. However, once you’re a mum, make sure you create a will and nominate a guardian for your child. You will need to ask your nominee if they are willing to take on that responsibility. Legislation and legal practice vary from country to country. Typically, a family court decides who should take care of orphaned children. The court will assess all options and make a decision based on what it deems best for the child. In such cases, knowing the will of the parent is valuable information.

Do not compare yourself to two-parent families

Many women considering single motherhood worry whether they can provide everything that a child needs. Basically, they worry if  the child will suffer from not growing up in a two-parent family.

The truth is that single parenthood is common, and single parents do an amazing job all the time. In the UK, for instance, single-parent families make up nearly a quarter of all families with dependent children. There’s no need or benefit to compare yourself to two-parent families. There’s plenty of evidence to show that all types of families can be happy and healthy.

Self-care is important

Mothers are excellent at caring for their children. But they can be pretty bad at taking care of themselves. In reality, you need time to yourself to be the best parent you can be. Especially as a single mother by choice. Time away from mum can be good for a child, too. Everyone needs to build their self-esteem and independence at some point.

You can tell people that you are a solo mother by preparing a single, clear sentence such as “I’m a single mother by choice and I am parenting solo”. You should only share what you’re comfortable with, and keep your child’s privacy at the centre. However, that is easier said than done.

Telling people you’re a single mum by choice can prompt a wide range of questions. And knowing how to respond isn’t always easy. There’s also the fear that you will be met with prejudice or presumptions. However, there are ways you can make the process of opening up to a broader circle a little less daunting. Talking about the positives and negatives of your experience also humanises and normalises solo motherhood by choice. 

Be as open as possible

Try to approach the topic as straightforwardly as possible, and don’t hide the fact that you used a sperm donor to have a child. Secrecy comes with all kinds of unwanted feelings and often makes things more difficult for you, your child and the next generation of donor-conceived individuals. 

Be prepared for critical questions

Telling people about your decision and situation as a solo mum may invite critical questions. Some people will invariably offer their thoughts and opinions on single mothers by choice without invitation. In this instance, it might pay to think about how you would deal with such a situation in advance. It’s a challenging situation, and preparing allows you to deliver a calm and considered response. Being honest and talking about the pros and cons of solo motherhood is usually welcomed and shows you thought about the consequences of your choice before making it.

It’s about what’s best for your child

You want what’s best for your child, and that’s always the most important thing. Talking openly about the taboos of solo motherhood by choice and challenges may make things easier for your child in the long run. If you feel like you want to keep your family situation secret, ask why that is. Is it to protect your child or you? However you choose to proceed, putting your child’s well-being first is the best way forward.

Know when you want to be open

There are times when open honesty is the best policy and times when you’ll want to say less. Being a solo mum doesn’t have to define you, and you can control narratives. If you don’t want to talk about your personal life, that’s not being secretive, that’s just how you feel at that moment. 

Sometimes you have to start the conversation

While many single mothers by choice worry about the questions they’ll be asked, a lot of the time they won’t receive any questions at all. That’s because some people may feel rude or uncomfortable asking about your family situation. Others may simply lack the vocabulary to talk about donor-conceived children. In these cases, you may want to take control of the situation and start the conversation. It can relieve any potential awkwardness and let others know it’s not a topic they have to avoid.

Experts recommend that single mums by choice always tell their children they were donor-conceived. In this respect, it’s a case of when and how you tell your child, not if. 

• Start talking about donor conception as early as possible: starting early and openly means donor conception has positive associations and isn’t seen as something to hide.
• Talk about how donor conception works: don’t be afraid to talk about the actual process. Children will always have questions about their origins.
• Initiate the conversation: when you initiate conversations about parenthood, you’re better able to make the dialogue more natural and positive. You lose some of that ability if you wait for your child to start asking questions.
• Difficult conversations aren’t bad conversations: we sometimes struggle with the misconception that difficult conversations are harmful and to be avoided. This simply isn’t the case. Difficult conversations help us work through difficult challenges, make us stronger and help build resilience.

Our full guide to talking to your child about donor conception includes advice on how to speak to children of different ages about donor conception. 

Getting in contact with the sperm donor

In the future, your child may want to contact the donor, and this is possible depending on the donor type you chose. By selecting an ID Release (identity-release) sperm donor, your child can contact the sperm bank and ask about a Donor Child Certificate. This certificate contains relevant information about the donor, which may include his last known contact details. Using those details, it may be possible for your child to contact the donor. 

When your child shows interest in learning more about their origins, aim to respond with calm support and encouragement, as curiosity about heritage is a normal part of identity development.

When selecting a sperm donor, you may encounter the term ID release. This refers to the choice donors make about whether they want any children conceived using their sperm to know their identity as they grow older.

In the UK, donations made before the 1st of April 2005 could be anonymous, and donors could refuse ID release. Donations made after the 1st of April 2005 are all subject to ID release. This means donor-conceived individuals can request identifying information when they reach the age of 18.

If your child wants to learn the identity of their donor once they reach 18, they can do so through the national registry. However, we recommend going through us, as we can usually provide more information than the registry. We also offer optional support sessions for donor-conceived individuals, so they fully understand their options and the ID release process.

If a donor-conceived individual wants to contact their donor, we contact him to hear if this is something he would consider. We also offer him a counselling session to help him find his footing in this new situation. 

If the donor agrees to have contact or answer questions from you, we arrange for this to happen. If the donor declines contact, we release the identifying information once the donor-conceived individual has signed the donor confidentiality agreement. We then inform the donor that we have provided you with this information.

Some people struggle to understand the difference between the terms used to describe various types of parents. So here’s a quick guide.

What is a single mother?

A single mother is any mother who is raising their children on their own, without a consistent partner. Their single status may be due to divorce, widowhood, separation or active choice. 

What is a single mother by choice?

A single mother by choice (SMBC) is someone who has made a conscious decision to raise a child on their own, without a consistent partner. 

What is a single-parent family?

A single-parent family is a family in which the responsibility for caring for children rests on one person. The sole provider could be a mother or father, and the result of circumstance or choice. Single-parent households make up one in four families in the UK.

Being a solo mum will be one of the most rewarding experiences you’ll ever have. It will also be challenging, and you need to be prepared for both the highs and the lows. In many ways, it will resemble most people’s experiences of parenthood. In other ways, it will differ significantly.

For single mothers by choice, there’s an emphasis on preparing financially, building a routine and ensuring a strong support network is in place. This stability helps when the day-to-day feels overwhelming or exhausting. Of course, you’re also going to have to navigate issues that traditional families don’t have to contend with, like choosing a donor, talking about donor conception and, potentially, negative preconceptions from uninformed individuals. Here, preparation can also help, although you also have to trust in your own capabilities and decisions.

Being a solo mum means you will likely take on more of the logistical load and shoulder more responsibility. However, many solo mums report that the energy and commitment they bring to the role on a daily basis is rewarded with a deep love, a sense of purpose, profound meaning and an appreciation for the path they’ve taken.

While everyone’s experience of parenthood is different, you can learn a lot from other solo mums. Our Family Stories are a great place for insight into how other women feel about being a single mum by choice.

National Single Parent Day is celebrated on the 21st March. It celebrates single parents of all types and honours their courage, commitment and achievements. The National Single Parent Day website hosts a range of resources designed to help solo parents and those who want to empower them.