Same-sex family and parenting as an LGBT couple

• What is a same-sex family?
• What is same-sex parenting?
• Family structures in same-sex families
• Same-sex families statistics
• Challenges of becoming same-sex parents
• How do lesbian and gay people have kids?
• What does research generally show about children in same-sex families
• Advantages of same-sex families
• Disadvantages and challenges to be aware of
• Common myths and misconceptions about same-sex parenting
• Legal implications of same-sex parenting

A same-sex family is a household headed by same-gender partners. Some same-sex family definitions extend this to solo LGBTQ+ parents, too. same-sex families encompass a wide range of types and structures. Whether headed by two dads, two mums or any other parental configuration, same-sex families are increasingly common.

Same-sex parenting is when same-gender partners raise a child. It differs from same-sex families in several ways. These include:

• Same-sex families don’t necessarily include children.
• Same-sex families include some family structures that do not necessarily apply to same-sex parenting (e.g. co-parenting and blended families). 
• While the term same-sex families describes a type of family structure, same-sex parenting refers to the act and process of raising a child.

Same-sex family structures are diverse and include lesbian families with two mothers, families with two gay dads, and families with more than two parents. Children in same-sex families can be adopted, fostered or conceived through fertility treatment. One or both partners may also have children from a previous heterosexual relationship. Much like traditional heterosexual families, same-sex family structures are complex, varied and often uniquely personal.

The number of same-sex parents has increased in many European nations over the last 10-20 years. Currently, same-sex families are recognised in 23 European nations, including the UK, Denmark, the Netherlands, Germany, France and Spain, among others.

• In the UK, the OfNS registered 212,000 same-sex families, a 40% increase since 2015 (Guardian).
• In Germany, the number of same-sex couples with children doubled between 1996 and 2020 (deutschland.de).
• The Netherlands has also experienced a steady increase in same-sex parents since 2001 (tandfonline.com).

Accurate statistics for the number of same-sex parents residing in a country are difficult to acquire for several reasons. In many nations, same-sex parenthood was only recognised and legalised relatively recently, resulting in a lack of large-scale reporting and studies. Those studies that have been conducted tend to focus on the number of same-sex marriages and civil partnerships. Finally, LGBTQ+ individuals may have children from previous heterosexual relationships, further complicating data collection.

The challenges same-sex parents face when becoming parents include:

• Access to fertility treatment (due to its legality, availability and cost).
• Societal prejudice and pressure.
• The legal environment in their country of residence.
• Personal concerns about becoming a non-biological parent.
• A lack of information about same-sex parenthood. 

European Sperm Bank can help same-sex couples navigate many of these challenges. Our expert advisors are always available to provide guidance and information on all aspects of fertility treatment, including regional regulations and the various treatment options available. We also help same-sex couples find fertility clinics where you’ll feel respected and supported.

Same-sex couples typically have children via adoption, foster care or fertility treatment. 

Fertility treatment will often involve the use of donor sperm for lesbian couples and surrogacy for homosexual male partners. Surrogacy is an arrangement in which a woman carries a child for the intended parents, who then raise the child. 

There are several options when it comes to treatments involving donor insemination.

• Intracervical Insemination (ICI): donor sperm is placed near or directly in the cervix using a syringe.
• Intrauterine Insemination (IUI): fertility specialists insert sperm directly into the uterus around the time of ovulation. Fertility medication may be used to induce ovulation, increasing the likelihood of conception.
• In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF): hormone treatment is used to stimulate ovulation and mature several eggs. The eggs are retrieved from the uterus and fertilised in a laboratory dish with donor sperm. Embryos are then transferred back into the womb.

Planning considerations for single sex parents

Same-sex couples considering having a child will need to think about their preferred path to parenthood (e.g. adoption or fertility treatment), their support network, how they intend to co-parent and how they will talk to their child about their origins.

These same-sex parenting considerations can be organised into several categories.

Early considerations

These are the high-level considerations that are best worked through early on in your path to parenthood. They include whether you are going to have a child via adoption or fertility treatment using donor sperm, or if you would prefer to foster. To help with this, you can:

• Research your available options. 
• Talk to other same-sex couples with experience of parenthood.
• Speak to a European Sperm Bank advisor about fertility treatments.

As part of this process, you’ll need to consider the legal status of each route in your country of residence. While our expert advisors can provide guidance on regulations, we always recommend seeking local legal expertise if you have any questions, as legal recognition varies between countries.  

At this stage of the process, you can also start thinking and planning co-parenting arrangements. For instance, lesbian couples undergoing fertility treatment may want to consider who will carry the pregnancy and whether reciprocal IVF is desirable. All same-sex couples may also want to think about how their lives will adapt around the arrival of their child.

Planning to tell your child about their origins

Research shows that the best thing you can do for a donor-conceived child’s well-being is to talk to them about donor conception early. Waiting to tell a child until they’re older can be destabilising, and keeping secrets can result in feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment. Being open and honest, and talking about donor conception positively from an early age, helps children know that it isn’t a taboo subject.

Of course, all disclosure conversations must be age-appropriate. To help with this, you can:

• Begin early and introduce donor conception gradually.
• Use picture books and age-appropriate storytelling methods. At European Sperm Bank, we gift a personalised picture book to every one of our customers.
• Be ready for questions. As children get older, they’ll naturally become more inquisitive. Try to answer their questions as honestly and transparently as possible.
• Be prepared for questions from other people. It’s not just your child who may have questions. Other parents and people may also ask questions. Be comfortable with your personal boundaries, but also recognise that some people may find the conversation challenging and need your help in leading it.

Planning for the practicalities

On top of all this, there’s also the practical planning to consider. This includes things like:

• Building support networks. same-sex parents don’t always have the same level of familial support as heterosexual couples, so building strong support networks is essential.
• Paperwork and administration. While having a child is undeniably exciting, there’s also a lot of paperwork. Make sure you know exactly what you need, particularly when planning for child healthcare and education.

Research shows that children in same-sex families fare just as well, if not better, than children raised by heterosexual parents (BMJ Global Health). 

While child development has very little to do with parents’ sexuality, children from same-sex families tend to have higher quality parent-child relationships and demonstrate more warmth, interaction and support to one another. In every other respect, there is no notable difference in child development when compared with families headed by heterosexual parents.  

Whether a child is raised by same-sex parents or heterosexual parents is far less important than the provision of a stable, loving home, familial relationships, and quality of parenting. 

What matters most for child wellbeing?

A child’s well-being is dependent on having secure and trustworthy relationships, supportive and responsible adults, and access to a caring community. 

• Secure relationships – children benefit from secure relationships that they know they can depend on and trust.
• Stable routines – familiar routines provide children with a predictable environment that reduces anxiety and allows for emotional stability.
• Supportive and loving adults – adults shape a child’s identity, help them navigate challenges and build resilience. They provide the security needed for an emotionally stable upbringing.
• A supportive school and community – a supportive wider community helps children build a healthy relationship with wider society, while giving them the space to develop emotionally, intellectually and socially.

It’s important to recognise that same-sex parents cannot eliminate all family stressors. You can’t control everything. Children will always have to overcome some challenges, and doing so can contribute to personal development and resilience. The main aim is to provide a loving and supportive environment that gives your child the best chance of becoming a healthy, happy individual.

Some of the potential advantages of same-sex families include:

• A more open and tolerant mindset – LGBTQ+ parents tend to teach their children a greater acceptance of diversity. 
• Equal parenting roles – same-sex families don’t have to struggle with the gender imbalances often found in heterosexual couples.
• Less gender stereotyping – children of LGBTQ+ parents are more likely to understand and accept non-traditional gender roles and stereotypes.

The only disadvantages of same-sex parenting are imposed by wider society on families, and include potential exposure to discrimination, homophobia and heterosexism. 

Most LGBTQ+ individuals will have experienced some form of discrimination in their lives. However, having a child can result in you experiencing new types of stigma, exclusion and prejudice. 

The broader, systemic belief that heterosexual relationships are “natural” and “superior” is known as heterosexism, and it is still prevalent in many societal structures and institutions. Established legal systems often have deep ties to the traditional concept of family, and this can be both challenging and painful for same-sex couples. While these challenges are more prevalent in some countries than others, same-sex couples will often benefit from strong support networks and guidance from fertility experts when navigating them.

Reducing risk factors and building support

LGBTQ+ parents can mitigate and overcome the challenges associated with same-sex parenting by:

• Finding community and building strong support networks.
• Preparing for difficult conversations. Thinking about how you want to approach tough questions puts you in a position to challenge assumptions and correct misconceptions.
• Talking to your child openly and honestly about the questions they may face. You can help them think through the ways they might answer.

Does homosexuality run in families?

Research suggests that there is a genetic component to homosexuality but that it only has a limited impact on an individual’s sexuality (PBS). Experts have argued that sexuality is a polygenic trait. This means that hundreds of genes each contribute a tiny amount to a trait, rather than a single gene determining the outcome. Polygenic traits are also strongly influenced by the environment. As such, sexuality is generally considered to be influenced by both genetic and environmental factors, with a greater weighting towards the latter.          

Do kids need parents of both genders?

No, kids do not need parents of both genders, as research shows that a loving, stable and nurturing environment is the most important factor in child rearing (NYU).

Are the children of LGBT parents maladjusted?

No, the kids of LGBTQ+ parents are not maladjusted, and research shows that children with same-sex parents fare just as well, if not better, than children raised by heterosexual parents.

The legal reality facing same-sex parents varies drastically from country to country. In Western Europe, the majority of nations now permit lesbian couples to have children through fertility treatments like IVF. 

For male same-sex parents, Ireland, Greece, Cyprus and Portugal have introduced laws permitting and providing for altruistic surrogacy. In other nations, surrogacy is either unregulated and dependent on informal arrangements or implicitly banned. This is true in France, Germany, Italy, Bulgaria, Spain and Croatia, among others.

Currently, same-sex adoption is legal in 23 of the 56 European countries. 

As the legality of same-sex parenting varies considerably, we always recommend you seek local expertise on the legal situation. In some cases, it may be possible to travel for fertility treatment abroad. European Sperm Bank can help you find a suitable fertility clinic if that’s the case.